I am back!
I wasn’t feeling well, some of it was simple exhaustion, and some was sunstroke, but I couldn’t go to work and have slept the whole day. So it is 11 pm and I am wide awake.
This is going to be a bit disjointed because my thoughts are a bit disjointed right now. Reading is a bit like a drug, it keeps you from dwelling on your problems. However, unlike alcohol and drugs, which trap you in your own mind, books trap you in other people’s. One gains perspective*.
And ultimately, one gets to leave the dance floor and look at things from the balcony of other peoples thoughts. I have done that, over the past week or so. (Chiefly because of an annoying habit of forgetting my spectacles at home, which means that I can’t read without getting an headache.) As a result of which, after 30 years of being successful at exams, I have come to think of myself as a failure. I love my profession, but I can’t see myself doing this for the rest of my life, maybe just for the next 5 years. Which is so antithetical to the tenets of my childhood, and my education. After 30 years of perfect life, right decisions (I can defend everyone of them, even the ones which turned out to be not so great- they were right when and where I had to take them) I find that I do not know what I want to do next. Which is perhaps a great thing. Admitting that we do not know something is the first step towards finding out the answer. (Insert the story of Amerigo Vespucci, who got 2 continents named after him because he admitted that no one knew what was there.)
So. Anyways. Somedays I do not know who I am and what I want. Somedays I know. I look back at the life I have led, and its simple A to B to C nature. And I think of that maxim- I don’t remember who said this and where I read this, but I will look up- if another person can get the same education and same experiences and can do the same job you do, your job can be done by a machine. My first instinct was to say, most other people do not do my job very well. But that is simply not adequate. I am so much more than my degree and work experience. I can do so much more.
I want this crisis of confidence. This time, I want to take my time. This time, I do not want the straight line and the checked boxes. This time I want to take a complex path, not so easily definable. I know India is a terrible country, full of terrible people with terrible work ethic, but out of the crooked timber of humanity, what straight thing was ever made? I will make it work. I will find a way. I will change things. Just you wait.
*Ever since I read Love in a Cold Climate, and saw the TV movie, I can’t help think of the gay heir to the earldom everytime I type One. So I do it quite a lot, deliberately. I know it is annoying, poor reader.